The Neighborhood Council was formed after the City decided it needed a way to control all the grassroots neighborhood associations that started forming: they hired a coordinator of the various 'hood groups, gave them a little grant money to fight over, and otherwise gave them various incentives to compete and/or cooperate with each other. Neighborhood Associations can have a very positive influence, or they can be little more than a handful of busybodies who want to tell others what they ought to be doing with their own homes. You guess which kind we have here. Under the watchful eye of Iowa City administrators, this confluence of busybodies has begun to be a serious pain in the butt for everyone; particularly since their spinoff group, the Neighborhood Housing Relations Task Force, came up with a whole bunch of new ways to regulate their neighbors at considerable public expense. Though I can't prove that Stepping Up was involved, their fingerprints are all over this little scheme.

NHRTF's recommendations are, I believe, still slowly being reviewed and implemented by the City Council. If you want to do something before it's too late (oh, sorry, it's too late), it's up to you to take the time to find out what's up with this, and make some noise; check the City Council's minutes and agendas regularly to find out what is coming at you. The City seems to be keeping this stuff low-key, in order to minimize opposition. And remember, there really isn't any significant opposition; most of us have lives, while some people have all the time in the world to think of ways the government can interfere with issues that neighbors used to work out amongst themselves. Way back when we used to talk to each other, and stuff.

For her outstanding work in promoting neighborhood fascism, NHRTF chair Hillary Sale got a big "WE LOVE YOU" from the Iowa City Press-Citizen. Some people have different opinions. I will take the (currently legal) liberty of giving you mine, which was divulged to an undisclosed party shortly after I interacted with Ms. Sale at a public meeting: "To be fair, Ms. Sale was one of the more reasonable voices on the task force, if there were any. At their forum, I found her to be almost lifelike, though her monotone voice and robotic demeanor made me suspect that she was some kind of android. Has anyone over there at the law school checked her pulse recently? Then again, maybe she reverted to a robotic demeanor because of the overwhelming public opposition to the proposals presented by the 'Force.' It seemed more like a roast than a forum, and the Task Force pretty much remained motionless for two hours, frozen in place like an oil painting, perhaps entitled 'What the #### were we thinking?'"

Yes, I realize that this is harsh and unfair, a brutal attack on the person rather than the issue. Don't care. I'm sure she's probably a very nice lady under most circumstances. Anyone who is a major part of a movement to bring such an array of idiotic punitive forces to bear on their neighbors ought to figure they're going to take a little heat for it. Bland civility just doesn't work for me when I'm angry.

Since they were the subject of the biggest protest in recent Iowa City history, NHRTF, and particularly my beloved Hillary, recommended that their new neighborhood watchdog, the Neighborhood Relations Council, hold meetings closed to the public. Amazingly, the City Council approved this recommendation. City Attorney Dilkes' opinion that closed meetings do not violate Iowa's open meetings law seems rather questionable, although she apparently learned about this little loophole from the State Attorney General (she always goes running to him when she needs advice on how to tweak the law to screw us over).Thus, we can no longer find out what these clowns are trying to do to us. I wrote a letter to the City Council expressing my feelings on this matter.

prominent citizens in the private sector

Whether they lobby the City via the Chamber of Commerce, the Downtown Association, other influential organizations, or on their own, it often seems as if important people have a pathological need to control others. Of course, it's easy to get a distorted view of human realities when you're important. You go to meetings with other important people all day, and your interactions with unimportant people largely consist of facile persuasion, or simply whacking them upside the head to control them. Granted, it would be nice if students didn't barf on the sidewalks, set couches on fire, and tip over dumpsters; but so far, no cure has been found for being young and stupid. Don't bother trying to tell these folks. They don't need any advice on how to rule over you, and they will regulate us all to death in order to create their utopian vision for Iowa City. You may say whatever you like, but you won't be taken seriously unless you're one of the Important People, or you show up at public meetings in scary numbers.

Getting to your destination usually isn't a problem. Most people are arrested at the bars or on their way home from the bars. Our panel of scientific geniuses has carefully studied the various modes of transport, and has provided the following recommendations:

Driving

Driving is not recommended. Iowa City has the highest rate of OWI arrests in the state. Even if you have a designated driver you're not safe, as police have been known to check out the passengers of a vehicle if the driver is sober. Think you're safe if you've been drinking moderately? Think again. If you blow a .04 or below, you'll likely be let go. If you blow something higher, but still under the limit of .08, your chances of arrest increase significantly. Word on the street has it that IC cops feel they can arrest for anything over .05. This is largely because County Attorney Pat White will pursue charges against anyone who blows pretty far under the limit, because his dad was an alcoholic, or something. Back when the limit was .1, the lowest BAC he went to trial on was .077, and the lowest he got a conviction for was .082. There's no reason to believe that things have gotten looser, after the law got tougher.

If the cop's breathalyzer shows that you're under the limit, you may well be taken in, sat down for half an hour, and then given the test again, on the off chance that your BAC will rise with time. As you can see, this is not a pretty picture. You're better off not drinking and driving, even in moderate amounts.

The ingestion of this most harmless of illegal drugs may have a profound impact on your future, owing to the high priority the Establishment has in quashing its use.

OK, I'll admit I've tried it. In fact, I smoked my whole life's share of the stuff in college here in the late 70s, when campus cops merely smiled as they strolled through the piles of beer cans and billows of pot smoke spilling out of the open dorm rooms. It ain't that way anymore. In fact, since pot is the "drug of choice" for Iowa City, they've made it their top drug enforcement priority. They will search your garbage, looking for seeds and stems. They know what it smells like, and might just hang around on your porch, unnanounced, to see if any smoke drifts out of your house. And if, God forbid, you should ever be the subject of one of their dreaded "knock and talks".......HORRORS!

OK, knock and talks aren't that big of a deal. Basically, the cops try to lie to you to gain entry into your house. Once inside, they will try to coerce you into consenting to a search; or they might just start searching without your consent, if they're evil clown cops from hell (These are easily distinguished from normal cops by their bulbous red noses and big floppy shoes. They usually come out of a fiery bottomless pit in your front yard.). The only sure way to prevent this is DON'T LET THEM IN! An unsolicited visit by the police is often not a good thing, and unfortunately, the advent of knock 'n talks made it NEVER a good thing. What this policy means for police/public relations is this: the public can no longer trust the police when they come knocking, EVER. Do NOT let them in, because with knock 'n talk, it became official policy for them to lie to anyone, for any reason; so we no longer can trust any of them, ever. If they need to talk, they can talk through a locked door. This applies whether you're guilty or not. You want these guys tossing your place? DON'T LET COPS INTO YOUR HOUSE, EVER! This isn't a negative diatribe about cops (most of them, anyway); they're just doing their job. It's a negative diatribe on the assholes who invent and legalize these ludicrous policies.

So, hopefully you now see that however cool some might think being a stoner is, it significantly increases your chances of sleeping on a mat in a holding cell where the average space per person is about 2 sq. ft. So don't smoke pot, unless your crappy apartment is set up to offgas exhalations from a 200 foot high smokestack somewhere across town, OK?

A major issue with most police officers is that of basic respect. Respecting their authority and treating them decently will get you out of a lot of jams. I have watched a long, slow deterioration of the relationship between the ICPD and Iowa City residents, and I find this disturbing. The police are not being treated well, and this in turn affects how they treat the people they encounter. A person who interacts with an officer in a calm, respectful, coherent, honest way will often so surprise the cop that he hardly knows how to deal with it. Police deserve this kind of respect; they have a tough job, and enduring the insults of ignorant, insolent drunks makes it more difficult. In a former life as a bar band musician I had many encounters with police, and I was always let go, sometimes when the officer had grounds for an arrest. Most of them don't want to arrest a courteous person who isn't really causing any problems. So don't cause problems.

There are a few officers who seem to have developed a bad attitude about people in general; these types are harder to deal with. It's vital to remember that you must be courteous even to an abusive cop; remain calm. This may require some self-control. If it's not in your nature to be calm and courteous in the face of threats and abuse, take some acting classes.

Cops can smell fear. If you're nervous, they're going to wonder why, and investigate accordingly. The best way to avoid nervousness around cops is to avoid doing anything illegal. If you are doing something illegal, then you're going to have to resort to some kind of zenesque death of self in the face of what is, in order to remain calm. At least, that always worked for me. Fear in most circumstances is not only futile, but destructive. Give it up. Whatever happens will happen. The cop is not a monster, he's another person, right there with you in the world. This isn't some kind of mystic crap, it's just a better way of dealing with things. Accept the possibility of arrest, and the fact that if it happens, there's nothing you can do about it. You have no power over the police whatsoever. In such a circumstance, surrendering to the fact that you don't have the power to determine the ultimate outcome will actually enhance your ability to affect it. It changes everything, because acceptance is calm, and only calm is able to respond in the best possible manner.

fightin' ---You're wilding about town with the gang; well, don't start playfully shoving each other around unless you have at least 2 lookouts checking for cops. This sort of playful activity might be interpreted by the cops as fightin', and could result in an arrest. Real fightin' is stupid. What do you hope to achieve by hurting someone? This accomplishes nothing. If your brain is so ####ed up that it seriously considers violent, futile impulses like this to be some sort of affirmation of your manhood, or an improvement in the cultural landscape, you should seriously consider yanking yourself out of the world for awhile and getting some help. Go sit under a tree for a couple of months.

yellin' ---There's no better way to inspire a working mother to lobby the City Council to have you executed. Wake up the grade school kids next door at 3:00 AM, and you've just signed your own death warrant, insofar as your real-world neighbors are concerned.

breakin' stuff ---Don't trash other people's stuff. Why is this so difficult for some people to understand?

stealin' ---Didn't you learn about this in kindergarten? Don't steal. Nuf sed.

peein' ---This time-honored tradition is now against the law. Yes, I realize that breaking this law is inevitable at some point in a person's life; but be smart about where you choose to do it. People arrested for public urination tend to fall into at least three of the following four categories: a) male; b) young; c) stupid; d) drunk.

pukin' ---The moment that prominent businessman sinks his Guccis into the steaming pile of barf you left on the sidewalk the night before is the moment he forms his first and only impression of you and everyone who ever goes downtown. He has no need of further information, or closer contact. We must all be mercilessly crushed like bugs, that's all there is to it as far as he's concerned.

rapin' ---Don't go there. "No" means "no," and "unconscious" means "no" too.